Update: Battery got fully recharged last night, I checked the cam timing again to make sure it hasn't moved in the recent tests. Put oil in all 4 cylinders to try to reseal the piston rings, and got exactly identical results.
Seeing as how cylinders #1 and #4 are both equally low at 140psi and #2 and #3 are both 0, and all 4 had no increase with the oil addition, I think it's something with the timing. How else would they line up so nicely with the pressures?
I'm grabbing a timing light just to double check...but outside that, is there any other way to verify my timing without removing the engine?
If there's any other possibilities that can explain this weird pressure phenomenon, let me know. I realize piston rings is a possibility, but with 1 & 4 and 2 & 3 matching in pressures, I find it extremely unlikely that the partner cylinders are experiencing the same problems on the bottom end.